Okay, I had a plan of what I was going to write before I logged in, but upon the page loading, I looked at my page views and saw that all 47 of them from the last month was from porn crawlers. I suppose I need to avoid terms like "hands on throat". How sickening.
I had a dream last night that I-- a heroine-- married a man I knew was evil and wanted to destroy me. He was better than my other option though. Almost after the ceremony, I regretted what I had done. Everyone around me gave no sympathy. They all agreed that I made a terrible choice, but that I had chosen, and gave no sympathy. I began to fight. To run. To hide. But the disapproval and the strings of commitment pulled me back in, wrapping my arms and slamming me down. While being buried, I cried of regret.
I think this is a pretty good manifestation of how I feel right now. I am regretting all my decisions, and at the time they seemed pretty good, but now I am just lost and I feel like everyone's input is making the struggle harder. I am just trying to find people/things to blame though, since I am just unhappy. I am just so unhappy. It's affecting every aspect of my life and I am trying to find solutions, make changes, and then those changes I fear will only be reasons to remain in my unhappiness. I want all decisions to be held up right now. Just give me some time. It's hard.
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