Old Friends

Recently a friend of mine posted a new profile picture. We were really good friends back in the day. We would eat lunch daily and talk and everything. I even visited him on my last trip to California and had a good chat.

I clicked his Facebook page to see more of what he is up to, and I found that I couldn't see a whole lot. I only really only see the public posts, which were few and far between. I know he is a major user of Twitter and Google+, and so I assume he is the same with Facebook. Well, at least a little more than a post every two years. I remember when we were friends in real life, his fun and witty posts nearly every few days. When did it change?

I am going on my ninth year with Facebook. I have in the last month passed 800 friends. But when reflecting through the list, how many am I really "friends" with? While yes, I bet many many people have expressed similar thoughts, I am most hurt by this recent discovery that I am not "fully friends" with someone who I shared so many memories with. I could lose 200 people off my friends list and I would care more about this friend who has put up a virtual social wall.

I post religious things. To anyone that knows me in person, this is not a online persona that I portray. I feel it accurately reflects the frequency to which I talk about religion in real life. I have created a list to curate my more religious posts to just my practicing friends as to keep a balance with my nonpracticing friends. And yet still, I am reduced to a follower with limited access to someone who I considered an old friend.

I think the pain here is realizing that somewhere along the way, your perception was incorrect. That the mutual level of being both liked and respected was not so mutual. This is like in a break up, when one person expresses that they didn't love the other person enough to cause change. Only in this instance, he probably broke up our virtual friendship a long time ago. Maybe immediately after my in person visit. Maybe just last month. I will never know when it happened or what caused it to happen, which sends my anxiety whirling.

And yet, at the same time, I reject being strung out about his opinion and this silly virtual friendship. I care about the moment I call him next time I am in California, if he makes the time to see me. If he makes the time to chat like old times. If someone asks about me, does he speak of my character fondly?

I don't know. But he follows and likes someone's posts who I cannot stand. I am impressed how differently we think and how we were (are) friends.

Update: Not Getting Better

For those that are following, I am not dead, but I am not really getting better. When I become depressed, I am just too sad to write. Or move. Or get out of bed. "Slept" for 20 hours yesterday. Record in the last month was three days straight. I missed work and class and everything. Boss is just waiting for my employment to terminate this May. Too much paperwork to do otherwise.

That's all.