Today I went to change something in life causing my stress at least in part, but was met with opposition, more than I was prepared for. I felt dragged down by the neck. Like hands will pulling me back and down. My neck tightened and swallow breathes of the fear and terror around me were all I could take in.
I fear tomorrow. I can't stop crying. I don't know to ask for help or just die. Dying seems much better.
Also, I ate like a whole bag of candy last night and I only realized it now. I don't remember it when it happened. I have not done that in a while.
You know, I thought I was doing so well. What happened and make it stop.
Monday, October 17, 2016
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Reporting in
Nothing can describe the energy drain I experienced when I opened my computer to get work done. I went from 67% charged to 7%.
On Thursday, I left. I cancelled my singing lessons, skipped my class (at which I was to present), and hopped in my car to see a concert. I skipped my two meetings on Friday. I did not accomplish anything. On Saturday, I did my community service activity, helped a friend, then slept. And slept. And slept. I woke up, did a community service project, sang for 4 hours, then had a complete and utter break down. I need to quit my job. I need this to stop. I am running away always and it is stressing me out and the stress is paralyzing and I am drowning.
My panic attacks result in me being highly functional or I go to sleep. Since I already slept for 16+ hours, time to be functional. I cleaned my room and called my father how to quit my job. I tried to keep calm, but I left a tearful voicemail on my adviser's phone. I will regret that. I was hot. I stripped down and opened windows.
I look at the clock like it lies. My eyes beg for it to tell a different story. I blame myself. I am unprepared for tomorrow. I cannot bear the thought of tomorrow. And yet there is something inside of me that tells me everything will be okay this week and all my problems will be resolved somehow, but another part knows that's all a lie. I want me to stop. I need another vacation. Mental sick days are a thing yeah? Please.
On Thursday, I left. I cancelled my singing lessons, skipped my class (at which I was to present), and hopped in my car to see a concert. I skipped my two meetings on Friday. I did not accomplish anything. On Saturday, I did my community service activity, helped a friend, then slept. And slept. And slept. I woke up, did a community service project, sang for 4 hours, then had a complete and utter break down. I need to quit my job. I need this to stop. I am running away always and it is stressing me out and the stress is paralyzing and I am drowning.
My panic attacks result in me being highly functional or I go to sleep. Since I already slept for 16+ hours, time to be functional. I cleaned my room and called my father how to quit my job. I tried to keep calm, but I left a tearful voicemail on my adviser's phone. I will regret that. I was hot. I stripped down and opened windows.
I look at the clock like it lies. My eyes beg for it to tell a different story. I blame myself. I am unprepared for tomorrow. I cannot bear the thought of tomorrow. And yet there is something inside of me that tells me everything will be okay this week and all my problems will be resolved somehow, but another part knows that's all a lie. I want me to stop. I need another vacation. Mental sick days are a thing yeah? Please.
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