Saturday.
I laid on the couch and dreamed away to the thought, "I am so proud to be a member of this family." Turned to the small copy of the recently gifted family photo on the coffee table. It was straight out of a movie and my foolish joy was okay with that.
In less than 24 hours, I was packing my bag trying to be ignorant of the whispering insults just in the other room. What did I do now? History rhymes in a continuously. I do not remember if I hugged her. If I had, I could never remember the feeling. I was numb.
My anger fueled a righteous spiral of self-betterment. I planned out how I will be better. Lose weight. Better at my career. Smarter. Prettier. I am going to save money to spend $1,000+ to landscape her yard. I will buy a chainsaw and do it myself. I will take classes and study up on chainsaws. She needs curtains, I will buy curtains. She has four rooms without curtains for a total of 20 windows needing curtains. They will need a rod. I can sew the curtains myself. I stayed up until 4:30am because who can sleep when I have so much to do.
I arrived home swelled with ambition and rolled into my hammock to lie in fantasies and YouTube. I look up between clicks on the sidebar to see misplaced items in every room on every surface. My will and my reality are misaligned.
Tuesday night.
I have consumed more sugar in the last 48 hours than in the last 48 days. I have been arriving to work by 7:30am but not even laying in bed until 1:00am. I was as equally excited to be at work this morning as I was to get rid of all my possessions. Enthusiastically I chatted with anyone that would listen. One stopped wanting to listen, and at that moment my mind split in two: half smiled and poured every passion and joy I have for my job into every interaction while the other half planned my suicide tonight. When I stood awkwardly aloud in a crowded room, it was firmly decided that I was to die with a clean and empty house. Work until 6:00pm tonight and immediately clean upon coming home.
At 5:00pm I asked someone for help on a work-related task. Turns out the answer was right in front of me the whole time. Not only that, but it was a function I had used before. And yet, he stayed. He doesn't normally stayed. And he listened. When we ended our conversation at 6:00pm, I didn't want to clean anymore. I'll have to clean sometime though.
