Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

I was doing really well, but now I am back in my hole. Hello hole. How are you?

I figured since I can't work as the despair is currently traveling through my organs eating away everything in my soul, I might as well blog about the event to document my "triggers". I feel slightly ridiculous call it that, I am not going to lie. 

I have been on a sort of high. Floating on cloud nine bragging about myself and feeling like a million bucks, winning awards, rolling into the spotlight. I was just appreciating all the talents I have been given and thought that my biggest enemy was not having enough time or effort to share the gift-I-am with the world. 

I was in a car and chatting for a long time-- almost 5 hours. I walked through my past, talking about the ups, the downs, and all the adventures. Walking through what others said to me, what I said to others, the choices I made and their effects. Admissions of past errors came in my stories when I presumed an oddity  for the listener in my logic, naturally resulting in a "Why did you do that?" With every admission was a resolve to do better, and an affirmation that I was better, because I thought I was. 

However, it is amazing how one person's words can cut your heart and let the darkness travel, coarsing through your veils into your mind and vision-- consuming your world. 

I am critical because I care. (Let's go with that lie that I tell myself anyway.) This boy is an awful writer. I am reviewing everything, because he is not a good writer, at all. I am not the best either, but at least I can use a period when the sentence ends. Can you imagine? Like let's say someone wants to end a sentence, but instead they just keep going, I have no idea why that would be acceptable on the college level, this is not to say that the sentences aren't complete, but it is just that there could be several lines of text with commas instead of periods, the thoughts end but there are commas, it is so weird. 

It's one thing to be angry that someone is being too critical, but then to attack as if it is a flaw in their leadership skills is pretty lame and hurtful. So I retorted back! Blame is an outpouring of uncomfortable emotions, and I just shouted blame on him for his flaws-- and I felt more awful than what was going on inside. 

I apologized, and in doing so I found out he was angry about my critical review of his writing. Instead of apologizing, he just explained why he was mad at me and said that. But I just took it. And I felt awful. Being meek sucks. Being the victim of people's imperfections and emotionally feeling the manifestations of their inability to communicate sucks.  

I feel better now. But I want Chick-Fil-A. And the janitor lady talks to me too much, so I need to leave before she comes, stay away for a few hours, and then come back. Long night again. I should take a nap. 

"And when you wake up, everything is going be fine. I guarantee that you'll wake in a better place, in a better time. So you're tired of livin', and you feel like you might give in-- well don't. It's not your time."